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Freep Coverage of "Luxury Urban" Birmingham Condo Makes Us Very Sad for "Luxury" and "Urban"-ism

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These are the listing photos of Unit 505 in the Willits Condo building.

Note to the staff behind the Freep column Michigan House Envy: just because a condo is expensive, does not make it awesome. Furthermore, just because a condo is a condo, does not mean it offers a "Manhattan lifestyle." Listen, the real estate section has been awkward for you. Its clearly not what you do best. Let's try and walk through Unit 505 in the Willits Condos together.

Let's look at the exact wording meant to create "House Envy":
This elegant $1.7-million home in downtown Birmingham is not a house at all, but a two-story penthouse.
Listen. There's a photo of a condo. We can tell it is not a house (AT ALL). Way to bore (ingham) us in the beginning.
It's at the top of the Willits -- luxury mid-rise condos built at the turn of the 21st Century -- when Michigan felt a new yen for in-town living and walk-to-everything neighborhoods.
So that's just 2001. That is the year. You're trying to be too fancy here and it's so awkward. But maybe not as awkward as the words "new yen." Was that a yoga fad we missed? Because we seem to have also missed the fad where all of Michigan walked to everything.
As a luxury urban condo, the Willits is staffed 24 hours a day by a uniformed concierge, like those at a high-end hotel. The concierge will screen visitors, call a cab, receive your deliveries, meet service people who need access to your condo, make restaurant reservations or arrange your travel.
What you just said = there's a doorman.
"There is a small team of concierges, so they get to know the residents and the residents get to know them," Gladchun says. "It's a very desirable benefit of living at the Willits."
Shut up about the doorman already.
A private one-story elevator lifts guests from the first floor -- the public areas and master suite -- to the second floor -- the guest bedroom suite, a loft and the outdoor terrace. In addition, a shared elevator takes residents from their condos to street level or to parking below. This condo comes with three heated parking spaces.Hold the phone. You want to walk to everything, provided that "everything" does not include the second level of your home? Cause that's just.... lazy.
For folks in pursuit of a Manhattan lifestyle, the main draw of downtown Birmingham has to be location. Built right into the Willits, for example, is a high-end fish house, a steak house and a stockbroker office.
No. NO NO NO NO NO. Being able to walk to a steak house where a stockbroker might be eating does not a Manhattan lifestyle make. Furthermore, New York threw up a little when you said, "high-end." Then it laughed. Then it went out to Peter Luger.
Step out the door and it's a quick walk to designer shopping at Linda Dresner, Tender or the Claymore Shop. Hungry? Thirsty?
What, no Segway? Stepping?
No. No.
The four surrounding blocks hold more than 30 places you can eat or drink, as well as two large movie houses.
Well if the new Bond film is playing we think you just found the first and only selling point here. In conclusion, this article is awful. But what's worse is the condo decor, which looks exactly like a suite in the Hampton Inn in Grand Blanc. Don't ask how we know that, we just do.

· 111 WILLITS ST 505 [Real Estate One]
· Michigan House Envy: $1.7M Willits penthouse close to Birmingham features luxury, location [Freep]